Email Service Notes (Tony)

Your Original Email:

I attend a workshop of leading business today. It is designed for our client for their mid-level leaders to explore their insight of business. The workshop is combined of business strategy, finance and leadership. I am interested in the part of finance. With the explanation from our consultant, I understand the relevance between the revenue and net profit, and we cannot judge a company with its stock price. Another interesting thing is there are total 10 participants attend this workshop, but only one male participant. People would think this workshop is for Human Resource or other similar courses, if they don’t know the contents at the beginning time. We will arrange more simulation based discussion in the workshop tomorrow, I am looking forward to it.

Your Corrected Email:

I attended a business leadership workshop today. It’s designed for our client for their mid-level leaders to explore/share??? their insight into business. The workshop consists of business strategy, finance and leadership. I am interested in the finance part. With the explanation from our consultant, I understand the relationship between revenue and net profit, and we cannot judge a company by its stock price. Another interesting thing is there are 10 total participants who attended this workshop, but only one of them was male. People would think this workshop is for Human Resources or other similar courses, if they didn’t know the content beforehand. We will arrange more simulation based discussions in the workshop tomorrow, I am looking forward to it.

Pay attention to the order of the words. A few mistakes here were only because the words were not in the right order. 

EX: 10 total participants.