Email Service Notes (Jesse)

Your Original Email

Lockdown life record

SH locked down on Apr 1st, which was a historic moment for all the Shanghainese people. No matter how empathetic people are, people who did not experience it might be challenging to imagine and feel disappointment, heartbreak, and desperation. As an individual who lives in the center of the storm, I am relatively lucky and feel very grateful that I did not suffer too much loss during this period. On the other hand, I gained some time to adapt from my previous industry to the new drive and spent more time with my grandparents. This afternoon, I also had a serious talk with my grandpa about his smoking in public places, which I had been thinking about it for more than two weeks and did not have enough courage to ask him to change. I spent two weeks thinking about how to say, when to say, what if he rejected and felt unhappy. I remembered that I had learned several persuasiveness lessons, and I reviewed those notes again. I spent two hours thinking about different points I wanted to mention and wrote several bullet points about how to convince. And I called my buddy to rehearse the whole narrative and asked for her feedback because I didn’t want to break up his ego, and older adults are generally pathetic about themselves. As he is my respectful grandpa, and I want him to live happily in his late age, telling him about his weakness is a big challenge.
After the dinner, I asked everyone to listen to me and ask for their feedback about my suggestion about grandpa’s smoking. Things went smoothly, and I felt relief that everyone agreed to my proposal. However, my grandpa is 91, and it might be very challenging for him to raise a new habit, and I anticipated that he might break his promise. Thus, I invited my grandma to monitor his behavior.

I think I did a great job to have initiated the serious talk with my grandpa in a very smooth way, which not only solved the problem but also benefited the whole family. Last but not least, I did something which I had never done before and overcame the fear. I enjoy the feeling of growth a lot.

Your Edited Email

Lockdown life record

SH locked down on Apr 1st, which was a historic moment for all the Shanghainese people. No matter how empathetic people are, people who did not experience it might be struggling to imagine and feel disappointment, heartbreak, and desperation. As an individual who lives in the center of the storm, I am relatively lucky and feel very grateful that I did not suffer too much loss during this period. On the other hand, I gained some time to adapt from my previous industry to the new drive (hmm what do you mean “the new drive??”) and spent more time with my grandparents. This afternoon, I also had a serious talk with my grandpa about his smoking in public places, which I had been thinking about it for more than two weeks and did not have enough courage to ask him to change. I spent two weeks thinking about how to say it, when to say it, and what if he rejected me and felt unhappy. I remembered that I had learned several persuasiveness lessons, and I reviewed those notes again. I spent two hours thinking about different points I wanted to mention and wrote several bullet points about how to convince him. Also I called my buddy to rehearse the whole narrative / interaction / conversation and asked for her feedback because I didn’t want to hurt his ego, and older adults are generally pathetic about themselves (hahah “pathetic” is a super strong word… do you mean they feel sorry for themselves?). As he is my respected grandpa, and I want him to live happily in his later years, telling him about his weakness is a big challenge.
After the dinner, I asked everyone to listen to me and ask for their feedback about my suggestion about grandpa’s smoking. Things went smoothly, and I felt relief / I was relieved that everyone agreed to my proposal. However, my grandpa is 91, and it might be very challenging for him to start a new habit / to break this habit, and I anticipated that he might break his promise. Thus, I invited my grandma to monitor his behavior.

I think I did a great job to have initiated the serious talk with my grandpa in a very smooth way, which not only solved the problem but also benefited the whole family. Last but not least, I did something which I had never done before and overcame the fear. I enjoy the feeling of growth a lot.

• very good writing Justine .. your grammar, particularly tense and usage of “which” is really impressive. Nice work!