Email Service Notes 9th May (Tony)

Your Original Email:

There are a lot of people in China complain about the medical system. Most people criticize the difficulty to receive appropriate medical treatment. Because the medical resources are distributed unequally- experts are concentrated in certain hospitals in large cities. Patients live in other city or villages may have to suffer a long journey to see doctors in big cities. So some Chinese people start to look at the medical systems in western countries.

On one hand, I agree that some aspects of the medical systems in western countries are much better than in China. At least the doctors are strictly prohibited to promote expensive medicine to the patients only for the purpose of getting commission from medical representatives. But on the other hand, there are also some defects in the medical systems in western countries. For example, in Germany, if you don’t suffer acute diseases, you have to make an appointment with the doctor before you visit him. It’s common that your appointment will be one or two months after your call. For sure, most of the time, you will recover before that date, so you don’t have to see doctor at all.

Your Corrected Email:

 A lot of people in China complain about the medical industry. Most people criticize the difficulty of receiving appropriate medical treatment. Because medical resources are distributed unequally and experts are concentrated in certain hospitals in large cities. Patients who live in other cities or villages may have to endure a long journey to see doctors in big cities. So some Chinese people started looking at the medical systems in western countries.

On one hand, I agree that some aspects of western medicine are much better than in China. At least the doctors are strictly prohibited from solely promoting expensive medicine to patients. Just to get commission from medical representatives. But on the other hand, there are also some flaws in the medical systems in western countries. For example, in Germany, if you don’t have any symptoms, you have to make an appointment with the doctor before you visit him. It’s common that your appointment will be one or two months after you set it up. For sure, most of the time, you will recover before that date, so you don’t have to see a doctor at all.

Great writing Leigh, maybe try to use some different sentence structures that you see in articles and some new words, using a thesaurus.