Email Service Notes (Ben)

Your Original Email

Cultural integration

Of all the components depicted in the drawing, the most eye-catching is that it isn’t a traditional hot pot. The hot pot, which is symbolizes different cultures, is consisted of a variety of ingredients. Thus, it is a very interesting picture of cultural integration.

Funny as the picture seems, it intends draw our attention to the prevailing social phenomenon. Considering the significance of the present situation, it is necessary to point out the causes behind it.
On the one hand, this situation could be attributed to the advancement of society. Due to it, we can make friends with any person who lives around world and contact via the Internet which is quite convenience.
Furthermore, this situation could be seen as a result of cultural integration. More and more people accept other people who come from other countries. For instance, we can see that some foreigners became our classmates in the university; some foreigners became our colleagues in the same company.

To advocate, in my mind, it calls for the efforts from all sides. From my perspective, it is particularly important that we should take actions. In the meantime, I personally believe that the authority and mass media need to assume this responsibility. Maybe our government can organize some social events, people share and learn different stories and cultural from each other.

Your Edited Email

Cultural integration

Of all the components depicted in the drawing, the most eye-catching is that it isn’t a traditional hot pot. The hot pot, which is symbolizes different cultures, is composed of a variety of ingredients. Thus, it is a very interesting metaphor for cultural integration.

Funny as the picture seems, it intends to draw our attention to a prevailing social phenomenon.

Considering the significance of the present situation (what present situation are you talking about?), it is necessary to point out the causes behind it.

On the one hand, this situation could be attributed to the advancement of society. Thanks to this (it = society), we can make friends with any person who lives around world and contact them via the Internet, which is quite convenient.

Furthermore, this situation could be seen as a result of cultural integration. More and more people accept other people who come from other countries. For instance, we can see that some foreigners become our classmates in the university; some foreigners become our colleagues in the same company. (every day –> present tense)

To advocate (?? advocate for = support, call for), in my mind, it calls for the efforts from all sides (no specific efforts –> no ‘the’).

From my perspective, it is particularly important that we should take action (in this non-specific situation, action is uncountable).

Also, I personally believe that authorities and mass media need to assume this responsibility. Maybe our government can organize some social events, people can share and learn different stories and cultures from each other.