Email Service Notes (Nick)

Your Original Email

I plan to write an email to instructor candidates who graduated from performing arts colleges and are dancers, performers or instructors now to see if some of them are interested in joining SPACE. I feel the paragraph is not so flowing since there are lots of “SPACE”. That would be helpful if you could revise the content and make words more powerful and appealing. THANK YOU.

SPACE is a leading active lifestyle company in Asia. SPACE combines fitness and entertainment into revolutionary and innovative fitness leveraging music, pop culture and world-class teaching and training methods to change the way people socialize around group exercise. SPACE is at the cutting edge of the live fitness entertainment industry, changing the fitness experience with its multi-modality programming a signature styles of BARRE, YOGA, MOVES, CYCLE, and HIIT. SPACE currently operates premium boutique fitness studios in Beijing, Shanghai and Taipei. As the community is growing and the talent pool is scaling up, SPACE offers you a prime and phenomenal platform to SHINE as your-unique-self in Shanghai, Beijing and Taipei. Here at SPACE, you’ll receive first- class training and continued education in music, performance, coaching and coordinate what you learn into the teaching, as well as a professional plan based on your unique styles for personal brand-building.

Your Edited Email

I plan to write an email to instructor candidates who recently graduated from performing arts colleges and are dancers, performers or instructors now to see if some of them are interested in joining SPACE. I feel the paragraph doesn’t flow so well is not so flowing since there are lots of word “SPACE” is repeated too frequently.** That It would be helpful if you could revise the content and make the words more powerful and appealing. THANK YOU.

SPACE is a leading active lifestyle company in Asia, SPACE combining fitness and entertainment into a revolutionary and innovative fitness experience. This approach leverages music, pop culture and world-class teaching and training methods to change the way people socialize around engage in/participate in group exercise. SPACE is at the cutting edge of the live fitness entertainment** industry, changing the fitness experience with its multi-modality programming, including/featuring a signature styles of BARRE, YOGA, MOVES, CYCLE, and HIIT. SPACE currently operates premium boutique fitness studios in Beijing, Shanghai and Taipei. As the community is growing and the talent pool is scaling up, SPACE offers you a prime and phenomenal platform to SHINE as your-unique-self in the Shanghai, Beijing and Taipei boutique fitness studios. Here at SPACE, you’ll receive first-class training and continued education in music, performance, and coaching, and guidance on how to implement/integrate coordinate what you learn into theyour teaching. as well as You will also be able to develop a professional plan based on your unique styles for personal brand-building.

** I was able to remove two or three, I think, but frequent repetition of the brand name here doesn’t sound too out of place to me. As this is a marketing/recruiting pitch, it’s sort of reasonable to include the name frequently so that it hopefully sticks in the reader’s mind.

*** “Live-fitness entertainment” or “Live fitness-entertainment”? That is: is it entertainment which consists of live fitness (not through video, perhaps), or is it fitness entertainment (a combo of the two) which is performed live? I suspect the second one.